Pessimism

Six months ago today at 9:01 am Mollie entered the world and my life would never be the same! I can't believe it's been that long and Mollie's already halfway through her first year. The pessimistic side of me ( I call it the realistic side) realizes that in just 35 more of these she'll be 18!!! I know, I'm crazy. But it just goes by so fast. Every parent I've met since having Mollie, especially those with grown kids, tells you to enjoy every moment because it's over in the blink of an eye. They never talk about how hard it is or about the temper tantrums I'll have to deal with one day or heaven forbid the teenage years! All they remember is how fast it went. With every new milestone I'm very happy. It's so exciting and fun when she learns to do something new. With each passing day it just gets better and better. However, that ever present "realistic" side of me always manages to tap on my shoulder and remind me that every time there's a "first" that it has just passed forever never to return. Mollie's first half of her first year is officially completed and yes, I guess I'm a little sad, but one of the lessons I'm learning is that the happiness outweighs the sad a thousandfold. I have to live in the present, not the past or future. Every moment that has now passed has already happened yes, but they're not gone. The moments of Mollie's life will live on in my memory forever! I'll be happy every time I think about the past six months and I will look forward to the many milestones to come. And when that pessimistic/realistic little devil wants to try and steal the joy in these moments of life I'll just brush her off and enjoy them anyway. After all, the "firsts" are only a first once. Happy half-birthday my sweet angel!

Birth

This journey starts with the day my life changed forever, the day from which all things in my life would be measured as before or after, the day of Mollie's birth and subsequently my own. As far as my pregnancy, all I can say is wow! It's amazing how new everything is during pregnancy yet how natural it all is. You've never felt a baby move inside you but when it happens you know exactly what it is! Every twist and turn, every time you get to hear the baby's heartbeat and oh when you get to have that 20 week ultrasound and see that little profile for the first time, what treasures!

Gregory and I had spent the entire nine months preparing and waiting as all expectant parents do. We were filled with a little apprehension and fear of the unknown but also a lot of excitement for the next chapter in our lives to start. I remember feeling a little sad that it would never just be Gregory and I anymore. I could never have known how much better our lives were about to become!

This leads us to Mollie's birth. She was due on October 2nd . I was set for an induction on September 30th. Little did we know she was planning on coming anyway! Early in the morning on September 29th I had what I thought might be a real contraction. It wasn't overly painful but definitely more than the usual tightening of my belly I'd gotten used to feeling. The contractions got very regular, happening at 30 minute intervals. Gregory and I went out on what would be our last dinner together with life as we knew it. By the end of dinner, my contractions were a little stronger and happening at 20 minute intervals. I was beginning to wonder if I would make it until my scheduled induction at 5am the next morning. By 9:30 that night they were 10 minutes apart so I called the doctor on call, after 2 hours like I was instructed to do, and she said if I planned on an epidural to just go ahead and go in to be prepped for the next morning. I woke Gregory up, who'd fallen asleep on the couch while I'd been timing my contractions, and told him it was time to go.

By the time I was admitted to the hospital and settled in it was around 2 am. I was feeling very anxious but overall pretty relaxed. We were pretty sure I wouldn't be having a baby before noon. How wrong we were! I was started on Pitocin around 3am. I was told I could have the epidural as soon as I wanted but my contractions weren't bad and still 10 minutes apart so I felt there was lots of time. The nurse said , "well, maybe the next time I come in." The next time she came in I was sitting in bed calm and relaxed when all of a sudden, Gush!!!! My water broke and the pain went to a completely different level. All I could think was why hadn't I already gotten that epidural when I had the chance! The nurse called anesthesia immediately. Within 45 minutes I had my epidural. All I can say is, thank you God that I wasn't bearing a child in a time when there were no epidurals. It was pure Heaven! This all happened by 4:30am and by 7:30am I was ready to deliver! She probably would have been born about 20 minutes later but we had to wait on the doctor. It was the most calm, relaxed environment surprisingly. Just me, Gregory and the nurse for the first little bit. And then the doctor joined in. I couldn't have planned an easier labor and delivery! And then it happened. Mollie Anneliese was born at 9:01 that morning! She was screaming robustly before she was even completely out! I remember thinking, "I am really going to have my work cut out for me with this one" and boy was I right! She's quite the "spunky" little girl!
I will never as long as I live forget the moment my daughter was placed on my chest just seconds after she was born. I was literally holding my heart in my arms. In an instant I knew I would love her unlike anything I'd ever loved in my life. It was truly the best day of my life. It's quite a scary thing to love something so much because with that kind of love comes a lot of heartache. Any fears I ever had for myself in life are now for her. Anytime she hurts, I will hurt more. I can't bear the thought of her ever being in pain but one day she will be. I can't bear the thought of her being sick but it will happen. I can't bear the thought of someone breaking her heart but that will happen too. Oh Lord, if I could just take on every bad thing that would ever happen to her, please let me! Let her life be perfect and blemish free and let me take the hurt in this world for myself instead like you did for us. But alas, that's not how life works. And thus begins this most difficult, rewarding and joyful life long journey called motherhood and thus through the birth of my daughter the birth of myself.

Introductions

It's one week shy from my daughter's 6 month birthday and what a life changing 6 months it's been! I've been thinking back over the last 5 months and 3 weeks on how much I'm starting to learn through this journey called motherhood and decided to start a blog to chronicle my new adventure. I say "starting to learn" because it is truly just beginning! Hopefully at the end of my life I'll be able to pass on wisdom to those after me about what I learned through being a mother because I will have done my job well. I hope to have it all figured out by then! In the mean time it's all about the journey.

I grew up with a single mom who was an amazing woman and mother. I'm proud to also call her my friend today. This is very important to mention because she is my example of what a mother is so my relationship with her will have a profound impact on how I raise my own daughter. I met my husband when I was sixteen years old. And pretty much knew from the moment we met that he would one day be my husband. We married when I was twenty years old in 1998 and have been very happy ever since. I've always been a very goal oriented person. I love to travel, I was a ballet dancer until the age of 24 and then graduated first in my class in nursing school. Being so focused on "accomplishing" things, I'm sure there were those that doubted we would ever have a child. However, we knew we wanted to wait a good ten years so we just continued to stick to our plan on waiting. So eleven years after we were married we finally decided to go for it and four months after we decided we might be ready for a baby we were pregnant! Geez, I sure hope we were ready! Well, I can definitely say I'm so glad we waited to start a family but I can't say we were exactly ready. How can you be? Nobody can possibly prepare you for this experience!

Part of the reason I wanted to wait until I was in my 30's is because I just felt too selfish to raise a child at a young age. Now I know I was too selfish. It's amazing though how one minute all you really care about is yourself and the next all you care about is this little person you've just met. I'm not sure if being older makes you less selfish or just simply becoming a mother. Maybe it just comes naturally no matter what. I always laugh now because I remember my mom would just give me the food off her plate if I thought it looked good. She still does that by the way. I used to think, isn't she ever hungry? If I'm hungry I don't want to give my food away. Well now I get it. I'd give Mollie anything of mine if she wanted it and would be glad to do it!

I am truly amazed at what I am learning about myself. Some good, some definitely not so good but I'm very proud of the person I'm going to become through this. I'm also proud of the married couple and parents I know that my husband and I will become. I know that Gregory and I will only be strengthened in a way we couldn't have imagined. I've never felt more of a sense of purpose in my life until becoming a mother. I hurt for any woman who never gets this chance especially for those who want to so desperately. The moment Mollie was placed on my chest after she was born nothing else mattered. All of those things I thought I wanted to accomplish mean nothing now. I know, if I can raise a healthy, happy, loving person who knows she is loved by someone more than anything, that I've done what I was placed on this earth to do. Yes, it's going to be quite a journey but I'm ready for it!