I never knew His love until I knew this love -Sarah Hart

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Daddy's little girl

This is such a wonderful time in my mommyhood journey. Mollie's 10 months old and has just gotten to be so much fun! The best part is that I'm the center of her world. I spend almost all of her waking moments with her. Everything she needs I provide for her. When she takes a tumble and cries momma picks her up and all is better. When I leave the room she cries not wanting me to go and when I return she's happy again. She lights up every single time she sees me and looks at me with the most adoring eyes. How long will this last I wonder? Gregory is always saying, "I wish she would look at me so adoringly". Well see this is the kicker. Today I am the center of her universe but very soon it will change. She will realize she has a hero and his name is Daddy! I only get this short time but when she finally looks at daddy that way she will for the rest of her life.

Before we knew if Mollie was going to be a boy or a girl I said I would be o.k. with whatever we had because I could see the perks of either one. If we had a boy of course he would be momma's boy! That's what boys do right? The flip side of course is that if you have a girl their hearts always belong to daddy. This thought made me a little apprehensive about the idea of a girl I'll admit. Not having grown up with a dad around I've never experienced being a "daddy's girl". Deep down however, I always longed to have someone I could call "daddy". To this day I feel a slight twinge deep inside when I see a little girl on her daddy's shoulders looking at him with adoration. I feel envy at a woman I meet who says she is still daddy's little girl. I tear up at every wedding during the father/daughter dance because I still long to have had that on my own wedding day. So why would the thought of these things for my own daughter be hard for me?

Before we had kids I always thought this idea would be particularly hard for me. My mom was so lucky because she didn't have to share me with anyone I thought! How will I share my child? I want her all to myself right? I'm now realizing what a gift it is to see Mollie and her Daddy together. This dawned on me one afternoon when Gregory had taken Mollie into his office to watch her while I was doing something and I walked by and he was waltzing around the room with her to a song playing. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen. I realized that watching these moments that Mollie will have with her Daddy will not be a source of pain only reminding me of what I didn't have. They will be one of my greatest sources of joy! To know that, unlike my own mother, I don't have to go through this journey alone. To know that the wounds in my heart can heal through the relationship between my little girl and her Daddy. To know that Mollie will get the love and affirmation of a father that all little girl's so desperately need. To know that she will have everything I didn't. And above all to know that she will get to call someone Daddy!

Yep, when Mollie picks out her first dress on her own and can't wait to show daddy how pretty she is I'll smile. When she waits for her daddy's approval before leaving for the prom I'll smile. And when their dance on her wedding day makes her tear up I'll be smiling with tears in my eyes. I will know that everything is as it's designed to be. She will always be my baby and she will always be daddy's little girl.