Toddlerhood

January 31, 2010

January 31 2011

I can't believe it's already been 4 months since you turned one! It's amazing to me that the more fun you get the faster time goes. This time last year I thought I'd never make it through those first 4 or 5 months. I didn't want to wish your life away but I was ready for you to spend less time crying and more time smiling. The first 4 months of your life were probably the slowest of my life. Of course in retrospect those went by in a blink just like these last have.

I've been feeling kind of nostalgic lately. I've been reliving the day of your birth in my mind and remembering it with joy! A day like that doesn't come around very often and I just wish an experience like that could last more than a mere 24 hours. Of course, I guess that's just the point. It does! I have the rest of my life with you! And with every passing day comes new and exciting experiences. It's truly amazing to me what a little toddler you've become since turning one. I was bound and determined that you would remain a baby until at least the age of two but you definitely have different ideas! I swear it happened over night! And you know what? It's o.k.. I'm surviving! Yes you are growing up way too fast but it's true what all moms tell you. It truly gets better and better! I would relive your babyhood again if I could but I wouldn't want to keep you there forever even if it means you're growing up. Watching you grow, master new skills and discover new things is just too much fun!

Last week we I had a birthday. Unfortunately Daddy had to work from very early in the morning until late in the evening so it was just you and me. Believe it or not, I can count it among some of my best birthdays! Of course I would have loved for your Daddy to be with us , however, I'm not sure it would have had the same effect. It made me realize how lucky I am that I'm going to have a daughter to spend so much of my life with. We had lunch together at the mall, did a little shopping, you played at the mall play area and then we went to Gymboree. To top it off, you were unusually affectionate. At one point, you walked up behind me and said "mama" while patting me on the shoulder and leaning your head in. I mean seriously? Does it get any better than this?!! And this is still just the beginning!

Mommy has been working on a 365 project for the last year in which I tried to take a picture of you everyday for a year. I started it on January 31st 2010 when you were 4 months old. It just ended this week with you at 16 months old. It can be a lot of work but I'm not sure I'm going to completely be able to give it up. I can look at each one and remember taking the picture! I can actually remember at least one moment of every single day! It's amazing to see how much you've changed over the last year. And I love feeling like I have a place I can keep all my memories that, if left to their own devices, would eventually fade away into oblivion. I can't wait to get them into a book so I can look at them again and again. It's been an amazing start to your second year so far. I can't begin to imagine how much you'll change over the next 4 months. However, I'm looking forward to soaking up every moment!

Goodbye

I've always had a hard time with goodbyes. Even if I know it's not for long I just don't want to say it. For example, when I go visit my grandmother in Indiana and it comes time to leave I say goodbye, get in the car and tear up every time. I just don't do well with saying goodbye whether it be to people or just a time in my life coming to an end.......

To Mollie's first year,
you will always hold a special place in my heart. When I look back on all the years of my life I will remember this one as the most defining. You introduced me to my precious baby. This year, I held my daughter in my arms for the first time. I watched her Daddy hold her for the first time. I saw her smile for the first time. I heard her laugh and babble. I watched as she sat for the first time all by herself. I saw her first little teeth and watched her crawl for the first time. I cuddled in the mornings with her and rocked her to sleep at night. I've gotten to form an unbreakable bond with her over this first year of her life. This year I became a mother.

You've brought more joy to my life than I ever thought possible. In fact, it's been so wonderful, I don't want it to end. I'm just not ready to let you go yet. I want to hang on tight and keep things as they are. I want my baby to remain just that.....a baby. But I know it's time to move on. As wonderful as all the firsts have been this year I know there are many more to come. After all, this is a part of life and if I don't let you go then I'll never get to experience what's yet to come! Next year I'll get to see Mollie take her first steps, hear her first words, feel her little arms around my neck. Maybe I'll even hear the words I love you. Who knows? But all this means that our relationship is coming to an end.

In one week you, Mollie's first year, will be over and it will be the start of a new one. I hope the end of every year isn't as hard as this one is for me but I imagine they will be in their own way. Every past year will have their own set of firsts and wonderful experiences with my daughter. And every new year will hold the hope of new things to come. Somehow I think that you will be the most special however. I thank you so much for all you've given me. Thank you for bringing me my precious little girl and all the adventures that come along with it. Thank you for making me a mommy. I'm going to hate to see you go but know that I will always remember you with fondness and gratitude but probably a few tears too. Even as I write this I'm tearing up. But I have to say it.........to Mollie's first year....goodbye.

Daddy's little girl

This is such a wonderful time in my mommyhood journey. Mollie's 10 months old and has just gotten to be so much fun! The best part is that I'm the center of her world. I spend almost all of her waking moments with her. Everything she needs I provide for her. When she takes a tumble and cries momma picks her up and all is better. When I leave the room she cries not wanting me to go and when I return she's happy again. She lights up every single time she sees me and looks at me with the most adoring eyes. How long will this last I wonder? Gregory is always saying, "I wish she would look at me so adoringly". Well see this is the kicker. Today I am the center of her universe but very soon it will change. She will realize she has a hero and his name is Daddy! I only get this short time but when she finally looks at daddy that way she will for the rest of her life.

Before we knew if Mollie was going to be a boy or a girl I said I would be o.k. with whatever we had because I could see the perks of either one. If we had a boy of course he would be momma's boy! That's what boys do right? The flip side of course is that if you have a girl their hearts always belong to daddy. This thought made me a little apprehensive about the idea of a girl I'll admit. Not having grown up with a dad around I've never experienced being a "daddy's girl". Deep down however, I always longed to have someone I could call "daddy". To this day I feel a slight twinge deep inside when I see a little girl on her daddy's shoulders looking at him with adoration. I feel envy at a woman I meet who says she is still daddy's little girl. I tear up at every wedding during the father/daughter dance because I still long to have had that on my own wedding day. So why would the thought of these things for my own daughter be hard for me?

Before we had kids I always thought this idea would be particularly hard for me. My mom was so lucky because she didn't have to share me with anyone I thought! How will I share my child? I want her all to myself right? I'm now realizing what a gift it is to see Mollie and her Daddy together. This dawned on me one afternoon when Gregory had taken Mollie into his office to watch her while I was doing something and I walked by and he was waltzing around the room with her to a song playing. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen. I realized that watching these moments that Mollie will have with her Daddy will not be a source of pain only reminding me of what I didn't have. They will be one of my greatest sources of joy! To know that, unlike my own mother, I don't have to go through this journey alone. To know that the wounds in my heart can heal through the relationship between my little girl and her Daddy. To know that Mollie will get the love and affirmation of a father that all little girl's so desperately need. To know that she will have everything I didn't. And above all to know that she will get to call someone Daddy!

Yep, when Mollie picks out her first dress on her own and can't wait to show daddy how pretty she is I'll smile. When she waits for her daddy's approval before leaving for the prom I'll smile. And when their dance on her wedding day makes her tear up I'll be smiling with tears in my eyes. I will know that everything is as it's designed to be. She will always be my baby and she will always be daddy's little girl.

Baby Steps

I'm realizing that one of the hardest things I'm going to have to learn through being a mom is the ability to let go. Oh sure, I always knew that a mother's job was to equip a child to eventually be on their own but never realized that the process would start so soon . You become a mother and your natural instinct is to love and protect this child fully and completely. In the end, your primary job is to let go. I know all I want to do is to hold Mollie close and NEVER let go. It happens in baby steps. I remember when that ugly, dried up, black remnant of umbilical cord fell off of Mollie one day during a diaper change. A little part of me was sad because that was all that was left of that connection we had. "And so it begins", I thought. "The cord is officially gone and you're one step closer to not needing me". She can't stay tethered to me forever as much as I wish she could....baby steps.

Mollie started out life sleeping in our room. She slept in a little bed right next to my side of the bed. I loved it! I could look over and check on her at night anytime I wanted to. Eventually I knew she needed to start sleeping in her own room. I said it would be when she started sleeping through the night. She started that by 8 weeks so I wasn't ready yet. Then around 4 months of age I still hadn't moved her. Every time I started to I would cry and couldn't go through with it. So one night I moved her bed to the other corner of the room and decided that was far enough...baby steps. I did eventually go through with it when she was 5 months of age. She of course didn't even notice. I of course cried but I knew it had to be done for her sake.

Since I've had the luxury of not going back to work and staying home with Mollie I haven't been forced to leave her so I'm having to actually force myself to leave so she can get used to being without mommy sometimes. I've had a hard time bringing myself to leave her with anyone for any length of time. I didn't realized this would be so difficult. However, Mollie has been spending a lot more time with her daddy lately. It's been great for their relationship and good for me too. I'm realizing that even when we're apart, Mollie will be just fine. I do need time to myself just as she needs time to grow away from mommy but it's always so hard for me to do. I've only ever left her with daddy and then only for a few hours....more baby steps.

I rock her to sleep at night grateful for this time in our lives together when I can have so much of her to myself. We snuggle in bed together every morning, I rock her every night before bed, we play together all day long and I just soak it in. All too soon she's going to want to walk everywhere instead of wanting me to carry her. I'll be taking her for her first day of school, letting her stay all night at a friend's house, dropping her off at college, watching her walk down the aisle on her wedding day. Through it all I'll be letting just a little bit more of my heart go. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't have to do it all today. Baby steps.

We have a little robin who has built a nest under our carport for the third year in a row this year. Every year I watch her build it and not long after, I see little baby bird heads poking out waiting to be fed. I've never seen the part where she kicks them out of the nest though. I just come home one day and the nest is empty. I wonder if it's hard for her, if it makes her sad. I'm so glad that God didn't make humans that way. Imagine giving birth to a child you carry for nine months only to send them off to college a month later! He let's us take our time. Through each step along the way we learn to let go a little more until one day our children are grown and ready to be out on their own and we are (hopefully) ready to handle it. Lucky for me Mollie is asleep in her crib right now. I still have tomorrow and the next day and the next and many more after that before I have to worry about her leaving the nest. Her biggest hurdle right now is learning to crawl! Then she'll really be on the move and all by herself at that! Ahhh....deep breath.........baby steps!

Pessimism

Six months ago today at 9:01 am Mollie entered the world and my life would never be the same! I can't believe it's been that long and Mollie's already halfway through her first year. The pessimistic side of me ( I call it the realistic side) realizes that in just 35 more of these she'll be 18!!! I know, I'm crazy. But it just goes by so fast. Every parent I've met since having Mollie, especially those with grown kids, tells you to enjoy every moment because it's over in the blink of an eye. They never talk about how hard it is or about the temper tantrums I'll have to deal with one day or heaven forbid the teenage years! All they remember is how fast it went. With every new milestone I'm very happy. It's so exciting and fun when she learns to do something new. With each passing day it just gets better and better. However, that ever present "realistic" side of me always manages to tap on my shoulder and remind me that every time there's a "first" that it has just passed forever never to return. Mollie's first half of her first year is officially completed and yes, I guess I'm a little sad, but one of the lessons I'm learning is that the happiness outweighs the sad a thousandfold. I have to live in the present, not the past or future. Every moment that has now passed has already happened yes, but they're not gone. The moments of Mollie's life will live on in my memory forever! I'll be happy every time I think about the past six months and I will look forward to the many milestones to come. And when that pessimistic/realistic little devil wants to try and steal the joy in these moments of life I'll just brush her off and enjoy them anyway. After all, the "firsts" are only a first once. Happy half-birthday my sweet angel!

Birth

This journey starts with the day my life changed forever, the day from which all things in my life would be measured as before or after, the day of Mollie's birth and subsequently my own. As far as my pregnancy, all I can say is wow! It's amazing how new everything is during pregnancy yet how natural it all is. You've never felt a baby move inside you but when it happens you know exactly what it is! Every twist and turn, every time you get to hear the baby's heartbeat and oh when you get to have that 20 week ultrasound and see that little profile for the first time, what treasures!

Gregory and I had spent the entire nine months preparing and waiting as all expectant parents do. We were filled with a little apprehension and fear of the unknown but also a lot of excitement for the next chapter in our lives to start. I remember feeling a little sad that it would never just be Gregory and I anymore. I could never have known how much better our lives were about to become!

This leads us to Mollie's birth. She was due on October 2nd . I was set for an induction on September 30th. Little did we know she was planning on coming anyway! Early in the morning on September 29th I had what I thought might be a real contraction. It wasn't overly painful but definitely more than the usual tightening of my belly I'd gotten used to feeling. The contractions got very regular, happening at 30 minute intervals. Gregory and I went out on what would be our last dinner together with life as we knew it. By the end of dinner, my contractions were a little stronger and happening at 20 minute intervals. I was beginning to wonder if I would make it until my scheduled induction at 5am the next morning. By 9:30 that night they were 10 minutes apart so I called the doctor on call, after 2 hours like I was instructed to do, and she said if I planned on an epidural to just go ahead and go in to be prepped for the next morning. I woke Gregory up, who'd fallen asleep on the couch while I'd been timing my contractions, and told him it was time to go.

By the time I was admitted to the hospital and settled in it was around 2 am. I was feeling very anxious but overall pretty relaxed. We were pretty sure I wouldn't be having a baby before noon. How wrong we were! I was started on Pitocin around 3am. I was told I could have the epidural as soon as I wanted but my contractions weren't bad and still 10 minutes apart so I felt there was lots of time. The nurse said , "well, maybe the next time I come in." The next time she came in I was sitting in bed calm and relaxed when all of a sudden, Gush!!!! My water broke and the pain went to a completely different level. All I could think was why hadn't I already gotten that epidural when I had the chance! The nurse called anesthesia immediately. Within 45 minutes I had my epidural. All I can say is, thank you God that I wasn't bearing a child in a time when there were no epidurals. It was pure Heaven! This all happened by 4:30am and by 7:30am I was ready to deliver! She probably would have been born about 20 minutes later but we had to wait on the doctor. It was the most calm, relaxed environment surprisingly. Just me, Gregory and the nurse for the first little bit. And then the doctor joined in. I couldn't have planned an easier labor and delivery! And then it happened. Mollie Anneliese was born at 9:01 that morning! She was screaming robustly before she was even completely out! I remember thinking, "I am really going to have my work cut out for me with this one" and boy was I right! She's quite the "spunky" little girl!
I will never as long as I live forget the moment my daughter was placed on my chest just seconds after she was born. I was literally holding my heart in my arms. In an instant I knew I would love her unlike anything I'd ever loved in my life. It was truly the best day of my life. It's quite a scary thing to love something so much because with that kind of love comes a lot of heartache. Any fears I ever had for myself in life are now for her. Anytime she hurts, I will hurt more. I can't bear the thought of her ever being in pain but one day she will be. I can't bear the thought of her being sick but it will happen. I can't bear the thought of someone breaking her heart but that will happen too. Oh Lord, if I could just take on every bad thing that would ever happen to her, please let me! Let her life be perfect and blemish free and let me take the hurt in this world for myself instead like you did for us. But alas, that's not how life works. And thus begins this most difficult, rewarding and joyful life long journey called motherhood and thus through the birth of my daughter the birth of myself.

Introductions

It's one week shy from my daughter's 6 month birthday and what a life changing 6 months it's been! I've been thinking back over the last 5 months and 3 weeks on how much I'm starting to learn through this journey called motherhood and decided to start a blog to chronicle my new adventure. I say "starting to learn" because it is truly just beginning! Hopefully at the end of my life I'll be able to pass on wisdom to those after me about what I learned through being a mother because I will have done my job well. I hope to have it all figured out by then! In the mean time it's all about the journey.

I grew up with a single mom who was an amazing woman and mother. I'm proud to also call her my friend today. This is very important to mention because she is my example of what a mother is so my relationship with her will have a profound impact on how I raise my own daughter. I met my husband when I was sixteen years old. And pretty much knew from the moment we met that he would one day be my husband. We married when I was twenty years old in 1998 and have been very happy ever since. I've always been a very goal oriented person. I love to travel, I was a ballet dancer until the age of 24 and then graduated first in my class in nursing school. Being so focused on "accomplishing" things, I'm sure there were those that doubted we would ever have a child. However, we knew we wanted to wait a good ten years so we just continued to stick to our plan on waiting. So eleven years after we were married we finally decided to go for it and four months after we decided we might be ready for a baby we were pregnant! Geez, I sure hope we were ready! Well, I can definitely say I'm so glad we waited to start a family but I can't say we were exactly ready. How can you be? Nobody can possibly prepare you for this experience!

Part of the reason I wanted to wait until I was in my 30's is because I just felt too selfish to raise a child at a young age. Now I know I was too selfish. It's amazing though how one minute all you really care about is yourself and the next all you care about is this little person you've just met. I'm not sure if being older makes you less selfish or just simply becoming a mother. Maybe it just comes naturally no matter what. I always laugh now because I remember my mom would just give me the food off her plate if I thought it looked good. She still does that by the way. I used to think, isn't she ever hungry? If I'm hungry I don't want to give my food away. Well now I get it. I'd give Mollie anything of mine if she wanted it and would be glad to do it!

I am truly amazed at what I am learning about myself. Some good, some definitely not so good but I'm very proud of the person I'm going to become through this. I'm also proud of the married couple and parents I know that my husband and I will become. I know that Gregory and I will only be strengthened in a way we couldn't have imagined. I've never felt more of a sense of purpose in my life until becoming a mother. I hurt for any woman who never gets this chance especially for those who want to so desperately. The moment Mollie was placed on my chest after she was born nothing else mattered. All of those things I thought I wanted to accomplish mean nothing now. I know, if I can raise a healthy, happy, loving person who knows she is loved by someone more than anything, that I've done what I was placed on this earth to do. Yes, it's going to be quite a journey but I'm ready for it!